These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
