Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
