If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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