Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
