if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
