i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
