I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
