If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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