Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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