I am midnight drunk by noon
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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