69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
