She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
