I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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