He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
