So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
