when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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