It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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