just come out here and I will go home with you...
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
