You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
