Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
