using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
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