it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
