today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
