Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
