the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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