i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
