There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I don't deserve a penis
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
