I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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