i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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