quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
