someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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