Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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