I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
