White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
