do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
