we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
