so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
