I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
