I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
