I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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