i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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