I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
