I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I got her a Nickelback box set.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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