my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
