In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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