Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
