my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
