I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
