I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
