After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
